Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   against recycling, because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   My road rage doubles in winter. Not only does everyone drive like they're 100 years old, but I get even more enraged when I flip someone off and realize I'm wearing mittens. Now I'm pissed and embarassed."

   Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse

   Seems those who wear Princess, Sexy, and MILF on a T-shirt...usually are NOT.

   If you're gonna order a salad with ham, raisins, peanuts, croutons & extra ranch, just order a freaking sandwich.

   Beautiful people and ugly people basically look the same by 80. So hang in there ugly people!

   I miss being young and innocent. Now I'm old and guilty...

   I can rise or shine...take your pick.

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   Condom Ad: if you are not 100% satisfied with our product, Happy Father's Day!!

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   I swear if this day gets any better, I'm gonna have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping!!!

   - So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....

   thinks BEER is the answer. I have no idea what the hell the question was.

   I am used but in good condition

   spent yet another day successfully converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.

   Thinks you should donate your opinions to goodwill. They are used to selling crap there anyways.

   If there weren't geeks in this world, then there'd be no cool people. I'd like to thank all the geeks.

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers