Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

   Whooooooooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea ...O...S...A...M...A

   You are not essential for my survival so adjust your actions accordingly.

   I can talk to animals... they don't talk back but the stuff I say to them is still really cool.

   Don't waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.

   Egyptian Pres. Mubarak refuses to heed calls to step down. He seems to be in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't resign.

   That mini-heart attack when you miss one step at the stairs.

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the time I was the age I am now.

   Sarah Palin and Snookie both Having NY Times bestsellers makes me realize being literate is overrated

   It's not that I hate you it's just...ok, put it this way. if you were on fire and I had water. I would drink the water.

   against recycling, because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   My road rage doubles in winter. Not only does everyone drive like they're 100 years old, but I get even more enraged when I flip someone off and realize I'm wearing mittens. Now I'm pissed and embarassed."

   Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse

   Women who keep complaining that All guys are the same should tell us something - Who asked you to try them all?

   When you're driving illegally, suddenly every car is an undercover cop.

   so far I've handed out 23 caramel covered onions on a stick to trick or treaters... life is fun

   You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.

   Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.

   Occasionally I look up from my iPhone and have no idea where I'm at.