Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.

   Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.

   After visiting the gov't healthcare site, I don't know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...

   Was just reading about the new 100 dollar bill design and wondered why I hadn't seen one yet. Then I realized it's because it's a 100 dollar bill.

   I miss being young and innocent. Now I'm old and guilty...

   I can rise or shine...take your pick.

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   Seems those who wear Princess, Sexy, and MILF on a T-shirt...usually are NOT.

   If you're gonna order a salad with ham, raisins, peanuts, croutons & extra ranch, just order a freaking sandwich.

   Beautiful people and ugly people basically look the same by 80. So hang in there ugly people!

   my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.

   Nothing makes me feel better about myself more than the stupidity of others.

   Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.

   I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.

   • The craziest girls are the ones who seem the most normal at first.

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

   Some days I feel like the Allstate mayhem guy is following me.

   I can so admit when I'm wrong! And when that time comes, I will do just that.

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?