Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spend a lot of time wondering what normal people do in my situations.

   Its a bit awkward when you don't realize how many curse words and sexual innuendos a song has in it until you're in the car listening to it with your parents.

   I haven't dated Miss Right yet, but I have dated Miss Guided, Miss Directed, Miss Conduct, Miss Fire, Miss Demeanor, & Miss Ellaneous.

   Some 12 year old called my house at 2:45 this morning to ask if I ordered Indian food. I said, "Are you serious? I ordered that 8 hours ago!" He stuttered, apologized, and hung up! Prank Call Reversal!

   My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

   A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender" I'll have..........a beer." The bartender says" What's with the huge pause?" The bear shrugs and says "I was born with them".

   There is a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every I dont know, and a little emotion behind every I dont care

   Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

   If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.

   Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open

   Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.

   According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.

   I'm doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!

   My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.

   If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.

   It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable

   My New Years resolution is simple.... Remember to write 2015 instead of 2014.