Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I saw two of my Facebook friends join a group called "I hold my boobs when I run down the stairs".

   Doctors say drinking 8 glasses of water a day keeps skin looking younger. But I say drink 8 glasses of wine a day and you won't give a damn how old you look.

   If they gave out awards for laziness, I would send somebody to accept it for me.

   Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.

   God grant me the serenity to accept the things Facebook changes, the courage to change the settings I can, and the wisdom to know it won't make a difference.

   Don't you HATE it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you ever need me". Where the f**k were you when we were together and I needed you?

   Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.

   My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"

   6 of those Extreme Coupon people could fix the entire US Budget.

   I have no respect for today's gangs! They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in ''West Side Story'', the gangs used to dance with eachother first!!

   Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?

   Im gonna laugh when the day comes when our generation is saying "You spoiled little brats! All we had in our day was Xbox's, PS3's, iphones, flat-screen tv's & laptops, you ungrateful little sh!t"

   I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."

   Just once when they interview a serial killer's neighbor I'd like to hear them say "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, I told people for years he was gonna do this"

   I won't take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.

   Sometimes I see an old girlfriend on Facebook and post on her wall, "Great pictures of you and the family!" But what I really want to say is "Remember that time we got drunk and f*cked at that party?

   Black History Month reminded me that Peanut Butter was invented by a black guy...I Assume "Chunky" was in reference to his White Girlfriend...

   On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."