Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When will women ever learn? Never introduce your man to your hotter friend.

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen.

   If someone held a gun to my head I still don't think it would be as scary as almost tipping backwards off of a chair

   Everything ██is█████ ████ ████fine ███ █ ████ love. ████ █████ the ███ Egypt ███ ████ government ██

   When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you're seeing somebody else!” and run crying.

   Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate's face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan....

   I don’t know who invented Nutella, but I’m going to assume they went to Hogwart’s.

   [This Facebook status update has been deleted by the NSA due to natioanl security concerns.]

   If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away with it.

   My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.

   I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.

   My driver's side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I'm probably gonna starve to death..

   I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

   Why is it when someone's girlfriend or wife gets pregnant, her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one rubs a man's penis and says good job?

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   I just changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer reminds me every time I forget...

   Just a quick message to all the chics out there...Having over a thousand friends on facebook and 75% of them are men doesn't mean you are popular....it means your vagina is!!!

   My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

   Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out "Mother Fucker!" at that my dad responded "Present!"... as gross as that was, I had to high five him.