Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan....

   I don’t know who invented Nutella, but I’m going to assume they went to Hogwart’s.

   [This Facebook status update has been deleted by the NSA due to natioanl security concerns.]

   If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away with it.

   My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.

   I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.

   My driver's side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I'm probably gonna starve to death..

   White Privilege is how Willy Nelson got his assets seized for owing $15 million and Al Sharpton visits the White House while owing $19 MIllion... OH WAIT!

   Why is it when someone's girlfriend or wife gets pregnant, her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one rubs a man's penis and says good job?

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   I just changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer reminds me every time I forget...

   Just a quick message to all the chics out there...Having over a thousand friends on facebook and 75% of them are men doesn't mean you are popular....it means your vagina is!!!

   Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out "Mother Fucker!" at that my dad responded "Present!"... as gross as that was, I had to high five him.

   Today I saw two of my Facebook friends join a group called "I hold my boobs when I run down the stairs".

   My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

   If they gave out awards for laziness, I would send somebody to accept it for me.

   Don't you HATE it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you ever need me". Where the f**k were you when we were together and I needed you?

   Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.

   Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.