Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little sh!t.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

   Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress.......

   Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.

   If I win the lottery, all of my neighbors are going to be rich!!! I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood!

   The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.

   I hate it when I'm telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.

   Looking for a New Year's resolution? Why don't we work on that whole "your/you're" thing...

   Should we REALLY put labels on paint cans warning people that eating it could kill them? I mean, should we TRY to save anyone who would make a conscious decision to eat paint?

   2 words have opened alot of doors for me....Push and Pull....

   My decision to not hold the door for the person walking at a questionable distance behind me is usually met with immediate guilt as I bolt through the door and sprint ahead to widen the gap and justify my move.

   Apparently there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

   It's that time of year again when I don't need the refrigerator to keep the beer cold.

   doesn't want to brag or make anybody jealous . . . but she can still fit into the earrings she wore in high school!!

   White Privilege is how Willy Nelson got his assets seized for owing $15 million and Al Sharpton visits the White House while owing $19 MIllion... OH WAIT!

   Hey Motels, you can take the "Color TV" signs down now. We know....

   I miss the days when you could simply push somebody in the pool without wondering if their iPhone is in their pocket!

   I like mario. he's cool. he's all like " hello, I'm maaarrio, I'm a Italian plumber created by japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican."

   well done naagraj, 8 consecutive posts with no likes. Your a legend