Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Kanye, can you stop kissing Jay Z and Beyonce's a$$es at every award show? Thx.

   At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?

   If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.

   My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.

   In the event of a nuclear war, the only things that will survive are roaches . Which means US should still have a functioning government

   Better feed that camel toe, its eating your yoga pants.

   Not every trophy wife is first place...

   For best kale smoothie: 1) Fill blender with ice 2) Place kale in trash 3) Pour rum in blender 4) Add fresh fruits 5) Blend well 6) Enjoy

   I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

   My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

   I'm late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-6. I'm thankful for boobs

   Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.

   Frankly auto correct,I'm getting tired of your shirt.

   Just watched a guy walk down the street eating a bowl of cereal. That guy has life figured out.

   I carry around a jar with a cricket for uncomfortable silences.

   The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of an iPhone is that I can afford the old one.

   I think the winner should aspire to greater things than a chicken dinner...

   I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.