Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it me or does everyone get sick of pancakes by the time you are done eating them...

   ready to have male pattern baldness become "in style"

   I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them

   My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.

   They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?

   Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. So fellas, wash your socks.

   When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.

   Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

   ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

   If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world

   If you Google the word 'overreacting' there's a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.

   Hello and welcome to DeVry orientation.. Sign-in sheets are on the left, Steve is passing out your diplomas,,, thanks & congrats class of 10:47.

   So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response

   No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.

   I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.

   FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

   Whenever someone asks if you're ticklish it doesn't matter if you say yes or no you're going to be touched. I tell them I have diarrhea.