Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I buy butter I don't choose it by how it tastes,I choose the one that's going to make the best cereal bowl when it's empty.

   If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!

   I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally butt dialed me.

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   Part of me thinks I get angry easily, the other part wants to beat the crap out of it for thinking that.

   Facebook Shortcomings: Everyone in the picture is tagged, except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk.

   "Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"

   It's a weird feeling when you can't remember if something happened in a dream or in real life.

   Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?

   When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.

   WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.

   There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker

   old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"

   At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?

   You'd think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.

   Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan. She should probably wash it.

   Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...

   One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.