Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?

   Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.

   Seems Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Let's hope she owns a life jacket. :-/

   I think I'm ready for a relationship. It's been a while since I've dealt with someone's ex drama, had my anxiety go through the roof or had my ego ripped to shreds. It sounds so tempting.

   woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again.

   I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.

   Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.

   My favorite part of last night's presidential debate is when I watched the Tigers/Yankees game instead.

   "How fortunate for governments that the people they administer do not think" - Adolf Hitler

   Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.

   naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.

   The packers were in it right up until the end of the national anthem.

   ..... I don't think accepting tens of millions of dollars from foreign entities is really the best qualification for a person seeking to become President of the United States.

   I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

   Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?

   STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

   I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As....

   Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.