Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!

   So we gain a Kardashian but lose Tony Soprano ? Lifes exchange rate just took a dip ....

   You know that relationship is doomed when you already have 400 couple's pictures and the relationship is only 30 days old.

   Warning to parents: If you ever catch your kids reading "50 Shades of Grey" WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T spank them.

   I went to the library and asked for a book about small peni$es. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "Yep, that's the one", I said.

   This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.

   People that believe internet gossip are the same dumbasses that keep the Kardashians famous.

   Little known fact... Any uneaten Little Caesars pizza turns back into cardboard after 30 minutes.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d

   My support group can outdrink your support group.

   This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

   You don't know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   Nothing quite like a good episode of COPS to make you feel better about yourself.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me 80s dancing in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.

   There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker

   old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"