Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I'm late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-6. I'm thankful for boobs 
Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Frankly auto correct,I'm getting tired of your shirt.
Just watched a guy walk down the street eating a bowl of cereal. That guy has life figured out.
I carry around a jar with a cricket for uncomfortable silences.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of an iPhone is that I can afford the old one.
I think the winner should aspire to greater things than a chicken dinner...
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.
If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.
Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again
Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.
feeling so good today. High-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.
Seriously someone has to teach Cupid how to shoot straight
if being apathetic is wrong, then I don't care...
Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets, to hell with these little packets.
Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?
On Thanksgiving, I always like to pretend, as I'm driving down empty roads and parking lots, that I lived through a zombie apocalypse.
Our parents would tell us when they were young they had to walk to school uphill both ways! Nowadays I tell my kids when I was young I used to play outside!
"Bacon is meat candy." 