Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

   If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world

   If you Google the word 'overreacting' there's a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.

   Hello and welcome to DeVry orientation.. Sign-in sheets are on the left, Steve is passing out your diplomas,,, thanks & congrats class of 10:47.

   So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response

   No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.

   I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.

   FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

   Whenever someone asks if you're ticklish it doesn't matter if you say yes or no you're going to be touched. I tell them I have diarrhea.

   Hey Kanye, can you stop kissing Jay Z and Beyonce's a$$es at every award show? Thx.

   At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?

   If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.

   My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.

   Better feed that camel toe, its eating your yoga pants.

   Not every trophy wife is first place...

   For best kale smoothie: 1) Fill blender with ice 2) Place kale in trash 3) Pour rum in blender 4) Add fresh fruits 5) Blend well 6) Enjoy

   I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

   My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.