Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not only do I want to see footage of bin Laden being killed, I want the Benny Hill theme song played over it.

   Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then.

   People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.

   I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.

   What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!

   Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

   has no doubt that there's a place in every woman's life for a red thong, but that place is not five inches above the waistline of her jeans. Ever.

   Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.

   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes.

   I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog.

   The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.

   Hiding peoples status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin f*ck you're annoying but I don't wanna delete you cuz you'll notice.

   What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!

   wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.

   If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.

   Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.