Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?... It's gonna take a while to get me hard. I just got laid by some chick.

   Not only do I want to see footage of bin Laden being killed, I want the Benny Hill theme song played over it.

   Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then.

   People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.

   I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.

   If Obama was really Kenyan he would have won the race by now.

   I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

   There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.

   Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog

   If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?

   Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

   I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them

   My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.

   They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?

   Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. So fellas, wash your socks.

   When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.

   Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

   ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”