Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you send me a friend request and your profile picture is a car, I will assume your a transformer

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

   "GOOD MORNING COFFEE"....Meet your maker!!!!

   You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!

   Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.

   So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you've fallen off the face of the earth??

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.

   Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open.

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   Have you ever noticed that Velma(from Scooby-Doo) only says who the bad guy is after she pulls off their mask. And then conveniently knew it was him or her all along.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   "A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting." -Terri Guillemets

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.

   Was just thinking .... What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?

   Things you can say when you have nothing to say: 1. It is what it is 2. It's just not meant to be 3. Everything happens for a reason 4. Word

   LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.

   I have 2 missed calls from my mother. I think it's safe to say that by now there's a rescue team out there looking for me.