Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The NSA is the only government agency that still listens to US citizens.

   I am looking forward to the day when a figure skater is brave enough to come out as openly straight

   Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   It took McDonald's 30 years to serve breakfast all day and now they won't shut up bragging about it...

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run, sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   My parents walking in on me & my wife having sex was bad enough without the high five from Dad, or Mom telling me to "put my hips into it".

   You can carry anything in a fanny pack except self respect.

   Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear.

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh

   I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   I was worried because I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.

   My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".

   Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

   Lost is actually being played out in real life.