Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone with a pool want to be my new best friend?

   likes how YouTube has gone from a video watching site to a music listing site.

   the condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave."

   If you are brave to say "good bye", life will reward you with a new "hello"

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your petville request, I could buy the L.A. Zoo..

   I have never understood why advertisers feel the need to show you extreme close-up shots in dog and cat food commercials. Its not like we are the ones eating it?!?!

   More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

   Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.

   I need a redbull & a nap..

   Homonyms: a reel waist of thyme.

   Sometimes I prefer the storm before the calm. A little chaos gets my juices flowing.

   Reminding you to never argue with someone who is not on your level of intelligence. Hand them a box of crayons and walk away knowing that you are smarter.

   finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep it's ashes out of the fireplace.

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!

   "you gotta laugh.. sometimes its the only weapon you got" - Roger Rabbit

   when you're in a hole, it's best to stop digging

   I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that, cuz I'm modest.

   Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.

   Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?

   Robin Roberts announced she's g ay. In a related story, water announced is is wet...