Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You only get eight or nine chances with me. That's it.

   The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.

   If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.

   If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here's a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!

   Looking back, I probably shouldn't have put my neighbors panties in my garage sale...

   You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

   If you love something let it go. Great, now it's gone. Why did you do that? You loved that thing you idiot.

   If you want the most accurate, real-time weather reports, look out your damn window.

   'The Hangover' playing over & over on TV. Well played TBS

   There isn't a non-creepy way to compliment a girls feet.

   Don't pay Facebook $2 to 'promote' your latest status. Simply send me half that amount, and I'll repeat it to all my friends in real life. For an extra 50c, I'll throw in a funny face when I say it.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   Math Quiz: my sister's been unmarried since 1997. How many cats does she have?

   It's better to have loved and lost, than live with the idiot for the rest of your life!

   Bounty Hunters killed all my paper towels.

   ■Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   Sometimes I drop things and I'm too lazy to pick them up, like pencils, or my hopes and dreams.

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.

   I've reached an age in my life where "you shouldn't say that.." turns into "what the hell, let's see what happens..."

   A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course he survived the crash.