Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

   Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   Just once, I'd like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.

   I'm not the type of person you should put on speaker phone

   I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.

   Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   In honor of MLK: I'm going to wash my whites and colors together today.....

   Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.

   Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?

   Robin Roberts announced she's g ay. In a related story, water announced is is wet...

   The NSA is the only government agency that still listens to US citizens.

   I am looking forward to the day when a figure skater is brave enough to come out as openly straight

   Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   It took McDonald's 30 years to serve breakfast all day and now they won't shut up bragging about it...