Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day.

   Dont tell me you are missing me when you are not doing anything about it.

   I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   Today looks like a good day to do all the nothing I have planned.

   I can always tell when I'm drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards

   i think I spend more time looking for a movie on netflix then actually watching

   When you were in elementary school, looking up the word "sex" in the dictionary was like watching porn.

   They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.

   Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet.

   Figured out what AT&T meant by 3G...it means my signal is Going....going....gone

   THINGY (thing-ee) n.. Female- Any part under a car's hood. Male- The strap fastener on a woman's bra

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.

   Are a bag of Skittles considered a serving of fruit? If so, I'm eating healthy today.

   hopes that when the machines rise up against humanity, his toaster remembers all the good times.

   If I place a call that is being recorded for quality assurance and training purposes, I make sure to say mother%#&@er alot.

   OK I get the "Deaf Child Area" sign .. but how the heII am l suupposed to know which kid it is?

   I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

   Don't you love when people tell you 'don't tell anyone' the next day, after you told people.