Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Google has gotten so used to my search habits, all I have to do is type a celebrity's name and it automatically adds "nude".

   What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

   Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills…making the last car payment.

   Any story you tell about something you did the night before, that starts with the word "Apparently," is probably awesome."

   One thing I miss about childhood is being able to throw a snowball at someone's head without the authorities getting involved.

   I was asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it's some sort of pyramid scheme.

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   You know those intense unexplained pains you get sometimes? You deserve those.

   I heard that the world is going to end in 2012, because that's only as far as the Mayan calendar goes. But the news gets even worse: I checked MY calendar, and it only goes to the end of this year!"

   not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink...I already have one

   True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"

   I saw LeBron james this afternoon and I asked him for a dollar. He only gave me 75 cents. I was a bit puzzled until I remembered LeBron never gives you the fourth quarter.

   I don't get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   Omg there is high definition paint? People will believe anything. Well I just invented hd crayons, for the low price of 59.99 a box you can watch you drawings pop off the paper.. Idiots

   There should be realtionship status that says,"I don`t even know what`s going on"

   As I watch this Spider walk across my floor, I wonder if his Spidey senses are telling him, he's f*cked

   Dear Enemies, I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient.

   I test my jokes on my dog, if he wags his tail - they make the cut.

   Anyone with 600 friends shouldn't have to take their own picture.