Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.

   There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, i'm stuck here just holding my rod

   I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.

   keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in the closet?

   Theres no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance."

   My Wife and I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my Mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   1 female smurf, 50,000 boy smurfs, no wonder they all had blue balls

   I'm only rude when I have to be. And when the situation calls for it. And when I'm hungry. And when you're hungry. And when the weather is nice. Sometimes when it's raining. Other times when it's not raining. Always on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and...

   Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

   I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

   That rose tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 19. Now it looks like red cabbage

   Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.

   The Ipad: Because not enough people noticed you with the Iphone.

   You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much sh!t.

   I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily because my head..... SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES!! KNEES AND TOES!!

   Be the girl that all the guys want. Not the girl all the guys HAD.

   Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed

   I swear my touchscreen phone touches its self when no one is looking

   As I write this I'm in an unmoving airport security line standing completely still in a stranger's fart.

   Every girl has 3 guys in her life: one she loves, one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, it's the same guy!