Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can always tell when I'm drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards

   i think I spend more time looking for a movie on netflix then actually watching

   When you were in elementary school, looking up the word "sex" in the dictionary was like watching porn.

   They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.

   Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet.

   Figured out what AT&T meant by 3G...it means my signal is Going....going....gone

   THINGY (thing-ee) n.. Female- Any part under a car's hood. Male- The strap fastener on a woman's bra

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.

   One thing I miss about childhood is being able to throw a snowball at someone's head without the authorities getting involved.

   I was asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it's some sort of pyramid scheme.

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   You know those intense unexplained pains you get sometimes? You deserve those.

   I heard that the world is going to end in 2012, because that's only as far as the Mayan calendar goes. But the news gets even worse: I checked MY calendar, and it only goes to the end of this year!"

   not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink...I already have one

   True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"

   I saw LeBron james this afternoon and I asked him for a dollar. He only gave me 75 cents. I was a bit puzzled until I remembered LeBron never gives you the fourth quarter.

   I don't get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.