Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

   Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral in all of their stores?

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same damn mistakes.

   Note to self: sex with inflatable doll not as good as advertised.

   Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.

   There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, i'm stuck here just holding my rod

   I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.

   keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in the closet?

   Theres no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance."

   My Wife and I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my Mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   1 female smurf, 50,000 boy smurfs, no wonder they all had blue balls

   I'm only rude when I have to be. And when the situation calls for it. And when I'm hungry. And when you're hungry. And when the weather is nice. Sometimes when it's raining. Other times when it's not raining. Always on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and...

   Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

   I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

   That rose tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 19. Now it looks like red cabbage

   Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day.

   Dont tell me you are missing me when you are not doing anything about it.

   I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   Today looks like a good day to do all the nothing I have planned.