Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think tom even uses myspace anymore.

   The inventor of the "Bumpit" made millions selling that hair accessory to women. I'm going to invent the "F**kit" and market it to women for those bad hair days.

   riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..

   Ever parked on the wrong side of the gas station, then turn the car around to realize you are still on the wrong side? Me either...

   the debt collector called, I told them I have $17,859,362,498 in Mafia Wars I'm just having a hard time transferring the money to checking.

   There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

   wants a dirty picture of you so I can add it to my Xmas wishlist to send to Santa

   predicts Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.

   wants to put handcuffs on, run into a hardware store in a panic and ask for a hacksaw

   WARNING if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. its SPAM

   Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.

   I find it funny how people throw around inspirational stuff like ‘live your life to the fullest’ after they've spent the entire day on Facebook.

   I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

   Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   Just once, I'd like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.

   I'm not the type of person you should put on speaker phone