Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever parked on the wrong side of the gas station, then turn the car around to realize you are still on the wrong side? Me either...

   the debt collector called, I told them I have $17,859,362,498 in Mafia Wars I'm just having a hard time transferring the money to checking.

   There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

   wants a dirty picture of you so I can add it to my Xmas wishlist to send to Santa

   predicts Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.

   wants to put handcuffs on, run into a hardware store in a panic and ask for a hacksaw

   WARNING if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. its SPAM

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and wierd. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.

   "Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."

   After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a pop singer.

   Today was the kind of day where I understand how someone could become an alcoholic...

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as "Wilson" in Cast Away

   It is a scientific fact that the gravatational pull of a woman's cleavage on a man's eyes is too strong to be fought!!!

   Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you.

   By the time I've said "Nice to meet you" I've already forgotten your name.

   So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called "Ain't nobody's business." Well, I just wrote my own song called, "Ain't Nobody Cares!"