Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

   Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."

   Goal number 1 for the new year: Get in a relationship. Goal number 2: Do not accomplish goal number 1 until after February 14th.

   Aw sh!t…im the only black person in my african studies class. This could be awkward…

   if you and I always agree.......... one of us is unnecessary

   Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could.

   Lecturing my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures.

   I think video games ruined my life. Good thing I have two extra lives...

   If I just fly to Arizona without ID and let them deport me to Mexico, would it be cheaper than if I flew directly there?

   Instead of Facebook asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "What kind of drama do you have today?"

   Does "I caught myself singing a Justin Beiber song" go at the beginning or the end of a suicide note?

   It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

   When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.

   I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.

   Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio

   microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes

   Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.

   Yes, cute waitress, I just took a bite big enough to choke an ox, now is the perfect time for you to ask me how everything is.

   to AVOID any embarassing incidents...I've equipped my BEER GOGGLES with windshield wipers.

   My girl said today, "You shouldn't wear that shirt, it's a fall color." Woman, my clothes have two seasons - clean and dirty.