Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No darling 56 guys didnt like your profile pic because you are "pretty." They liked it cause your BOOBS are hanging out.

   They say being successful and living well is the best revenge... But rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too.

   I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it's not.

   And then God said, "Let the women have feelings. A lot of feelings. Like, all of the feelings."

   "I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons

   When a romantic song comes on the radio, I always take her hand in mine, and whisper softly in her ear, "Please change the radio station."

   When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy

   A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I'll catch the next one. She's mad at me now.

   Pressure builds on Weiner to pull out early!!!

   Pretty sure I look forward to my boss' vacation's more than he does.

   I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban

   I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.

   Happy Birthday to the Greatest Invention you don't appreciate enough unless you don't have it! On this day 110yrs ago Dr. Kerry invented the Air Conditioner!!!

   All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.

   Due to a government shutdown, no one is "Engineering the electricals."

   I'm so old... I grew up in an era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games.

   If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old, and tell them its Santa Clause

   BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump demands to know what country Latifah is the queen of...

   When a man signals a woman to walk in front & says, “Ladies first” it really means “Go ahead. I'll stand back & watch how your ass walks.”

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Pimpin