Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let the record show the plaintiff wore an Ed Hardy shirt, skinny jeans & Crocs before the assault. Your honor, he was clearly asking for it.

   I've got 2 college degrees in case anyone needs their lawn mowed or pool cleaned

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...

   We've all seen that person on Social Media who likes to debate things as if they are a college professor. Dude...you're arguing with someone who uses "dat"

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.

   A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!

   Why does every horrific news story begin with "A Florida man..."

   Everyone on my Facebook is going for Mayweather or pacquiao, I'm going for the Baltimore mom!

   If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.

   knockin' boots. Okay, maybe knockin' snow off my boots, but still.

   First the doctor gave me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me..

   My car keys are kicking my ass at hide and seek.

   If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

   On this day thirty years ago.. Mtv still played music videos.

   I was planning on procastinating today but I think I'm going to put that off until next week as well

   A picture speaks a thousand words, but with photo-shop, it tells a thousand lies

   I think Facebook needs another relationship type: Domestic Incarceration