Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.

   I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.

   When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.

   This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth.. She's down to the final 4.

   Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

   how many people have gone to bed so angry with someone you've pretended to have a nightmare, just so you can roll over and punch them in the head

   May the blessings of the new year pass me by and find someone less fortunate. My life is not perfect but I have no reason to complain. I am lucky to have what I have.

   At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be daft, come, grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."

   "I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.

   What a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today.

   I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill

   It's amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people's mistakes.

   The new facebook has been renamed "Facebook Inception". It has a newsfeed within a newsfeed within a newsfeed.

   Hello, I am the new Facebook Representative in your area. You can give me your check or money order for $29.99 a month for your account to stay actvie...

   Some people have thousands of friends on Facebook, then they turn off the computer and they have nobody.

   Hey Facebook.. Your new "From Earlier Today Section" Suuuucks! Its doesn't even go in the correct time! 10mins ago.. 4hrs ago.. 2hrs ago.. 8mins ago...Wtf?!

   Try something spontaneous today. Like combustion.

   If you have kids, your life is kids. If you don't, your life is going out to eat and buying electronics.

   im about this close from being that far away..