Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.

   everyone was clapping for me when I got off the plane...I bet those military guys behind me were jealous.

   I have always been told to never say "never." On that note, never get into a food fight with cannibals and never be caught dead with a necrophilac.

   "Sometimes the unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's just a donkey with a plunger on its face."

   I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

   A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.

   Can people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like some Lance Armstrong clone?

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   a paper cut is a trees last revenge =)

   For the person who picked on you in school, stole your boyfriend/girlfriend from you, spread lies and rumors about you, didn't help you in anyway possible....all of a sudden......wants to be your friend on Facebook.

   Doesn't it feel like the Facebook friends who NEVER respone to your posts are secretly judging you?

   Hot girls always have their statuses "like"d by dozens of people no matter how stupid the statuses may be.

   going thru the airport scan today with a complete spiderman suit under my street clothes

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   For f_€ k sakes! How about something funny instead of intra national hate dialog.

   Don't judge a man by how low his pants hang below his ass...just kidding, that's a great reason to judge someone.

   Girls have their phone nonstop. So if they don't text you back within 30 minutes, she ain't feeling you bro.

   All I'm saying is that Schwarzenegger isn't the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.

   You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.