Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

   I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post

   I wonder if dog’s had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.

   I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.

   Next years Superbowl has been changed to Motel 6. They'll leave the lights on.

   call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work

   I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

   only two people with the combined IQ of a salad bar would name a kid NorthWest

   Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons

   What's longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage?... This status.

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...

   How come girl's sweatpants always say things like Juicy, Bootylicious and Fresh. They never say accurate things like Sad,Menstruating or Cellulite

   It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..

   I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.

   I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

   so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.