Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

   The captain of the Costa Concordia is maintaining he only abandoned ship before the passengers because he tripped and fell in to a life boat. I find this very feasible as I once accidently tripped and my pen!s fell in to my wife's sister.

   Overheard a guy say "Dis hoe jus said she ain't feelin me, Imma keep holla doe", which I think translates to "I make minimum wage"

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that's had "insufficient funds".

   Only a few of us have that special talent to trip UP the stairs.

   Just saw a girl in a plain push wheelchair holding on to her guy's motorized wheelchair and rolling behind him. Dude, she's using you.

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   When I was little I used to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up in bed, now I pass out on the sofa and wake up on the floor.

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   ‎"It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden. It was our job to arrange the meeting." - United States Navy SEALS

   "Dad, when can I use the car?" "When you cut that long hair." Why? Jesus had long hair." "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too!"

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   This new layout has me more confused than a cow on astroturf.

   I Spent the last 30 minutes trying to trim my side burns and am now sporting a nice mohawk..

   I haven't seen a spider in the house in days.WHAT THE F*CK ARE THEY PLANNING?

   I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'

   I went to the store today to buy a bag of air. To my surprise there were a couple doritos in it.

   Everyone has the power to make someone else happy. Some do it by entering the room, while others do it by leaving.

   Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then... she's pregnant.

   My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit.