Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As my 5 year-old nephew and I carved my pumpkin today, I swear I heard him say, “That's what happens to snitches.”

   Overheard at grocery: "Paper or plastic, sir?" "Doesn't matter. I'm bisacksual."

   Found a bag of marijuana at work last week, and like any responsible employee, I disposed of it. In a series of small fires

   How has sound technology come so far & yet the McDonalds drive-thru still sounds like someone is farting into a walkie-talkie.

   Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.

   I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

   If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.

   If I had a shot of whiskey for everytime I thought of you, I'd be sober.

   99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like Women.

   I changed the name of my hard drive to 'that thang,' so once a month, my computer asks me if I wanna back that that thang up.

   This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper...

   whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I'm in public

   I was gonna give change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU. So, I held onto it just in case he was right

   I saw a sign on the door of a Wal-Mart that said “It is illegal to set off fireworks inside the building.” I really wish I had been there on the day they decided it was necessary to post that.

   My friend said he thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

   THE ANSWER TO AGE OLD QUESTION OF HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL TOOTSIE POP IS...... 277. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE AFTER HALLOWEEN I HAVE HAD 637 OF THEM

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted... How's that working' out?

   A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?