Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge

   From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.

   You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

   You had me at "there's no security cameras."

   Tequila probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

   some people should put professional victim on their resumé

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies it's that I'm the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down

   looking at the "voluntary" tax contribution box on his 1040 form and wondering what planet those IRS guys are from.

   According to the segment on American Idol's "Idol Gives Back", they just showed $10 was able to purchase 90 lbs of food. Where do these people shop? I can't do that at Wal-Mart, Kroger, or any other place.

   When you put 'aspiring' in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I'm unemployed.

   I like you... People say I've got no taste, but I like you...

   I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!

   the only thing more funny then this stupid status update is that your still taking time out of your busy day to read it..

   With great power comes a great electric bill...

   Ed Hardy makes condoms now? Fine by me. I think we can all agree that anybody who buys one probably shouldn't breed.