Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.

   Sweetie, we cant afford to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. How bout instead, we pop in the DVD at home and I'll throw clocks and candlesticks at you while you watch it.

   It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.

   It's too bad you can't punch someone's personality.

   I feel I have an on and off relationship with clothes.

   ESPN reports that Aaron Hernandez is being investigated for the disappearance of Manti Teo's girlfriend

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance - My stages of getting ready for work

   i hate when people steal my ideas and post them before I think of them

   oh, your talking to me again? You must have just broken up with your boyfriend.

   My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?

   I hate when I order a pizza online & it asks "Do you accept the terms and conditions?" I'm ordering a pizza, not launching a nuclear weapon.

   Dear retail stores. August 21st is too damn early for Christmas decorations. Take them down. Now.

   There are no bad pictures; that's just how your face looks sometimes.

   Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille

   It's too bad that Hugo Chavez passed away before he had a chance to meet Dennis Rodman.

   I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.

   It's kind of cool how khaki Dockers and ugly people found each other