Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm waiting till the iPad 1,473 comes out because it will fly you to the moon while you surf the internet.

   A report says that 15% of Americans admit to cheating on their taxes. Probably because the other 85% don't have an income anymore.

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know… look around, listen to the radio

   I don't care who the hell you are, you fall, I will laugh.

   I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.

   When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg “just wants to be friends.”

   BBQ rule: no drama goes on at my BBQ, if your'e in a fight with your mate don't come, if you just broke up and want to talk about it call a family member, BBQs are for FUN only

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.

   Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.

   All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.

   Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   69 will never be a normal number.

   I'm doing my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too.

   I have life moments when all I can do is stop and say "Seriously?"

   I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.

   I am not grumpy. I'm just not a fan of other people today.

   If Eve cursed the entire human race just for an apple, I can only imagine what she would do for a Klondike bar.

   I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. - Mark Twain