Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's

   Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.

   You know you are on a hamster wheel when you go to work to make enough money to pay for your car so you can get to work.

   You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans

   I wish I was in a gang so I knew what do to with my hands in pictures.

   Job applications are stupid. "Why do you want to work for us?" Oh, I've always had a passion for frozen yogurt.....b*tch I'm broke!!

   Why do people in movies keep all their lights off when they hear a noise? I’d be lighting that place up like friggin’ Times Square.

   You know your mind is already on the weekend when someone at work tells you they're giving away shots, and you assume alcohol before flu.

   Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

   All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.

   "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never read a Twilight book.

   When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing

   Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.

   I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.

   Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

   Some people get so upset when you delete them from your fb friends list. What is the big deal it's not like we're real friends and hang out everyday.