Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

   why don't we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?

   Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key

   Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two kit-kats fall out of a vending machine at once

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

   I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending...

   There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.

   Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows Winter Blows Winter Blows

   If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

   What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?... I don't have a Ferrari right now.

   Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980

   If you listen very carefully, you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.

   Canada gave the world Justin Beiber. As a canadian, I just wanna say sorry everybody. Our bad. No need to retaliate with nukes or anything.

   It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.

   I've never been that "Super Thug gangsta, keep going to jail type of black guy" I'm more of a "keep a steady job, continue college, love God and my country type of black guy" regardless I still love fried chicken and watermelon.. keep it real my friends

   One of the guys that dated Taylor Swift should write a song called, "Maybe You're The Problem."

   I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."

   Dear kanye west, Roses are red. Violets are blue. If Justin Bieber wins another award you know what to do.+++

   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.