Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at my white trashiest when I'm on the front porch with a group of people trying to figure out why the cops are 2 houses down.

   My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

   You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.

   I went to the Red Cross to donate blood and was refused. Something to do with my Vodka to Plasma ratio being to high.

   I miss that age when I THOUGHT I knew everything. Cause now that I do, it's kinda depressing...

   I'm starting to think the word Gourmet means "Put something wierd on it, and triple the price"

   There are worse things than waking up on the wrong side of the bed. You could wake up on the right side of the bed with the wrong person.

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know ;

   Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.

   I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.

   We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.

   I'm not a social drinker. It's mostly work related.

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   shakeweight.... no thank you, I have my own. kinda wish someone else would shake it though. I'm tired of exercising alone

   I don't use the expression, "I beg to differ." If my opinion is different than yours I'm not going to beg to express it.

   I'd like to say some wise and meaningful crap, but the fact I just referred to it as “crap” shows just how meaningful I can be.

   If you were on fire and I had a beer in my hand, I would be warm, toasty, and drunk.....

   If my boss saw how many cool things I post on Facebook in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.

   .My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.