Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.

   in China they are reporting that weiner has lost the erection...

   I was having breakfast at a friend's house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."

   Never take financial advice from someone that has paid for a ringtone.

   i will never buy a foam finger again !

   I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.

   for all those who are taken, almost taken, taken for granted, waiting to be taken, and those who aren't taken seriously!! Happy Valentinesday!!

   Why do they still print the phonebook? "Gee, thanks. Here's a large printed portion of the internet for me to throw away."

   Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad

   I just lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   I won employee of the month!!!.... again! I love being self employed.

   so I'm guessing Ashley is either a girl that dumped your pathetic ass or a hottie that stole you boyfriend? You're a loser either way..

   North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has declared war against South Korea, saying 'we will make them pay for Psy and his Gangnam Style"

   I don't want to 'complete' anyone, I would rather date someone that already has their sh*t together....

   A kid came to my door dressed as Tony Romo. I asked him why he had no candy in his bag. He said he used to but he turned it over.

   I wonder if Disney is gonna make the Epcot Center look like the Death Star now

   I think my virginity is growing back.

   Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.