Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.

   You're 14 and quitting smoking? How Inspiring.

   After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"

   Oh is it really raining outside? Please post a status update for all of us with no windows.

   Either I've reached the age when my eyebrows have developed a mind of their own, or I'm slowly turning into a werewolf.

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.

   On my way to the kid's school... apparently, a nicotine patch is not an appropriate substitute for a band-aid.

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.

   You can find true happiness inside yourself! Haha, almost had you. I'll meet you at the liquor store.

   OLYMPIC GYMNAST 2012: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting socks

   I hate when I can't find a decent status update to steal.

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

   Watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.

   I could really, really use some shenanigans.

   I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"

   Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.