Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you: 'hard taco shells', for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking at the moment I put something inside you.

   Nipples: Nature's thermometer.

   Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all  concerned and ask me how I know them.  You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Google+ is quickly becoming the "gym membership" of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

   Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!

   ""When people cut you down. Or talk behind your back. remember they took time out of their pathetic lives, To think about you.""

   My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge. :(

   There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.

   Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

   I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

   Oh, you love your boyfriend? Please, go ahead and saturate my Facebook news feed with your feelings.

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   It's so hot outside! I've been out here 10 minutes and I'm already wetter then Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards.

   How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?

   Here is a quick math lesson for NBA players...50% of $1 billion is a lot more than 52% of nothing!

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that.

   I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal."