Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   Guy walks out of the restroom, Girl says:"Sir your garage door is open", Guy asks:"Did you see my Harley", Girl says:"No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires"

   A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs

   fake hair color, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man!!!

   They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

   In hindsight, maybe two hours of being snowed in was too soon to eat my family.

   Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

   just had the worse sex of my life..... opps I forgot you were on my friends list.

   give us back Heath Ledger in replacement for the whole cast of the Twilight Series and Justin Beiber.... Fair trade?

   You don't know heartbreak until you see the waiter coming to your table with food but then take a sharp turn to a different table.

   I guarantee there's a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks 'Ebola' would be a lovely name for their child.

   Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard.

   16 and Pregnant? How come I didn't get my own show when I was 16? "16 and smart enough to use a rubber."

   I like to go up to my wifes twin sister and say "i know what you look like naked"

   I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.

   I thought when people lie to me their pants were supposed to catch on fire. Turns out that's a lie also. Trust no one.

   I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it's health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!

   I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.

   If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.