Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me “I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? I replied. “I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?”

   Not that I'm complaining, but I think the sales lady at the furniture store misunderstood when I told her I wanted one nightstand."

   I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

   I love you yet I hate you,its like I want to throw you off a cliff then run really fast to the bottom to catch you ..

   The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

   I organized a three some last night....there were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time

   That moment of panic when you clog someone else's toilet and you realize that don't have a plunger in the bathroom!!

   I like to title my documents "The World" so I can feel great when I click Save

   if The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

   As I, once again, found myself glued to the riveting action of Olympic Curling, I couldn't help but see a missed advertising opportunity. Swiffer WetJet should be sponsoring the hell out of this event.

   Like Buttons: for people too lazy to post a comment.

   This world is coming to an end.. Volcanoes, floods, earthquakes, Justin Bieber..

   I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.

   What is love? I don't even want an answer. I'm just ecstatic knowing that at least 90% of you thought "Baby, don't hurt me."

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

   What's the difference between Saturn and LeBron James? They're both big and full of gas, but at least Saturn has rings.

   you know the recession is bad when wives are having sex with their husbands cause they can't afford batteries.

   I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror.

   Dear Facebook: Stop being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.