Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife was watching a cooking show and I said ''Why are you watching that! You don't know how to cook!''..............She said ''Well you watch porn!!!!!!!!''

   Can we name the next hurricane Shaniqua or something? I feel like if we give hurricanes ghetto names, people will be more inclined to get away from them. Hurricane Irene sounds friendly. Hurricane Shaniqua will rip out your weave if you look at it wrong.

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms.

   I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.

   That  moment when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring... and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.

   If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least,that's what the restraining order says.

   You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, “Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.

   Everyone has the one mysterious toothbrush in the bathroom that nobody in your house uses or knows anything about.

   Hey Facebook, if I have 75 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends, it means I don't like them. Take a hint.

   When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.

   Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life

   It's almost tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?

   so the technology exists allowing us to watch TV and movies in 3-D or HD, but when it comes to security camera footage it still looks like it's being shot with the camera from Blair Witch Project."

   Why do we need algebra? Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate.

   Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.