Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems

   So thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside. Instead of apps and how many likes you can get on a selfie.

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.

   Men are born with a gene that allows them to know what the hell is going on in movies.

   Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..

   I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach the toilet paper.

   The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

   So far so good. haven't heard anyone use the word SWAG this year.

   mother nature... turning february into white history month...

   Why is it that when you finally make something idiot-proof along comes a better idiot?

   Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy

   Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.

   Harry Potter can do all this $hit with magic, but he can't fix his poor vision?

   looks like I won't be updating my status today..

   commented on a woman's french manicure. "I like your tips" ...let's just say she didn't hear me correctly.

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.

   hates that kids complain about video games for "Loading"... Back in my day we had to blow the sh*t out of games just to play'em and even then it was a gamble to work. So kids, Shut up!"

   Don't you hate that moment when you think to yourself, why did I just say that?