Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Girls with big boobs, stop saying "my eyes are up here" ...I know your eyes are up there, but all the fun is down here. 
Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"
I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy
Safe sex back in my day was not getting caught.
I think Mitt Romney should pick Hologram Tupac for his running mate..
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.
Skinny Jeans: For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way...
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.
Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.
Thanks to Jersey Shore, Crayola has a new color....Whorange.
Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party
Birthdays then- 'Wow! Look at all these presents!' ... Birthdays now- 'Wow! Look at all these notifications!'
"I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I'm above average at something!!
My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?
My neighbor put the box his new fridge came in on the curb this morning for recycling pickup. Guess who has a new fort. 