Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud. 
I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.
I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."
My mom thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL"
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be "Nobody" so when I see stupid crap people post, I can "Like" it. And it will say "Nobody Likes This"
Without that little voice in your head you wouldn't be able to read this.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity
At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me!
Alzheimers: You wake up and wonder who's sleeping next to you, where you are, what you did the night before, why you're naked..... kinda like college, isn't it?
The true art of procastination is picking the correct task to put off that will eventually not need to be done anymore.
Would it kill Barney to just eat a kid every now and then?
You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee.
someone just googled my status and said they knew I couldnt be that funny
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game. 