Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just cleaned my house by turning off the lights.

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

   Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”

   my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :(

   When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."

   I have decided to host the Oscars

   The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

   Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.

   Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

   Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

   If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.

   Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.

   I'm having a terrible day. There's a suppository behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   So how does this work? Do we send our dollar bills to the NFL or do we pay JLo directly?

   Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.