Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

   Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.

   Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

   Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

   If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.

   Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.

   Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE

   It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.

   Hey ... If you want to stop all of these Protests and Riots .... Just start playing the National Anthem .... They will all either sit down or take a knee.

   It is just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.

   I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise you...one finger.

   Whoever determined that a 1 inch size candy bar should be called "fun sized" need to reevaluate their entertainment expectations

   Pay no attention to anything I say when I'm drunk..or sober..or any other time.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.