Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   wonders why we dont have names for earthquakes

   Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored, and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

   No one is listening until you fart.

   wonders When did LuLuLemon become the preferred clothing line for overweight and out of shape people?

   I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag

   First trick or treater at our house is this 5 year old girl I say "What a great costume Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is one of my favorites" she looks confused and says "I am snooki"

   I'd be a millionaire if I could buy him for what I think of him and sell him for what he thinks of himself.

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

   Friends are like television~ Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch

   Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you can fall apart no matter how strong you are.

   likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

   when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!

   According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!

   If your day ends in pizza, you have nothing to complain about :D

   Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.

   If a girl gets a free drink, it doesn't mean she'll be interested, it'll only mean "YAAY FREE DRINK!!"

   Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.

   For Sale: New Nunchucks. Will consider trading for a bag of ice and a new set of marbles.