Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!

   Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.

   According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.

   Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis.

   Only small children can get to sleep by counting sheep. The rest of us have to count our problems, mistakes, debts, relationship issues, enemies then eventually cry ourselves to sleep.

   you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before.

   I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?

   You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response

   when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

   Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

   If you come up to my bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means I'm having sex..... Probably with the other sock.

   If you're not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you're probably boring.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..

   Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"

   3 people everyone hates: - Anyone asking questions when a meeting is about to end - Anyone who holds the elevator for anyone - Kanye West

   I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.